No Fear Shakespeare: Troilus and Cressida: Act 5 Scene 1

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Troilus and Cressida

William Shakespeare

Original Text

Modern Text

Original Text

Modern Text

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.	Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
ACHILLES I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight, Which with my scimitar I’ll cool tomorrow. Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.	ACHILLES I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight, Which with my scimitar I’ll cool tomorrow. Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
PATROCLUS Here comes Thersites.	PATROCLUS Here comes Thersites.
Enter THERSITES.	Enter THERSITES.
ACHILLES 5 How now, thou core of envy? Thou crusty botch of nature, what’s the news?	ACHILLES How now, thou core of envy? Thou crusty botch of nature, what’s the news?
THERSITES Why, thou picture of what thou seemest and idol of idiot-worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.	THERSITES Why, thou picture of what thou seemest and idol of idiot-worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.
ACHILLES From whence, fragment?	ACHILLES From whence, fragment?
THERSITES 10 Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.	THERSITES Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
ACHILLES takes the letter and moves aside to read it.	ACHILLES takes the letter and moves aside to read it.
PATROCLUS Who keeps the tent now?	PATROCLUS Who keeps the tent now?
THERSITES The surgeon’s box or the patient’s wound.	THERSITES The surgeon’s box or the patient’s wound.
PATROCLUS Well said, adversity. And what need these tricks?	PATROCLUS Well said, adversity. And what need these tricks?
THERSITES 15 Prithee, be silent, boy. I profit not by thy talk. Thou art said to be Achilles’ male varlet.	THERSITES Prithee, be silent, boy. I profit not by thy talk. Thou art said to be Achilles’ male varlet.
PATROCLUS “Male varlet,” you rogue! What’s that?	PATROCLUS “Male varlet,” you rogue! What’s that?
THERSITES Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, 20 catarrhs, loads o’ gravel in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, whissing lungs, bladders full of impostume, sciaticas, limekilns i’ th’ palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take 25 again such preposterous discoveries.	THERSITES Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o’ gravel in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, whissing lungs, bladders full of impostume, sciaticas, limekilns i’ th’ palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries.
PATROCLUS Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what means thou to curse thus?	PATROCLUS Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what means thou to curse thus?
THERSITES Do I curse thee?	THERSITES Do I curse thee?
PATROCLUS Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson 30 indistinguishable cur, no.	PATROCLUS Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.
THERSITES No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarsenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such 35 waterflies, diminutives of nature!	THERSITES No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarsenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
PATROCLUS Out, gall!	PATROCLUS Out, gall!
THERSITES Finch egg!	THERSITES Finch egg!
ACHILLES , coming forward My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle. 40 Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba, A token from her daughter, my fair love, Both taxing me and gaging me to keep An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it. Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honor, or go or stay; 45 My major vow lies here; this I’ll obey. Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent. This night in banqueting must all be spent. Away, Patroclus.	ACHILLES , coming forward My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle. Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba, A token from her daughter, my fair love, Both taxing me and gaging me to keep An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it. Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honor, or go or stay; My major vow lies here; this I’ll obey. Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent. This night in banqueting must all be spent. Away, Patroclus.
He exits with PATROCLUS.	He exits with PATROCLUS.
THERSITES With too much blood and too little brain, 50 these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain as earwax. And the goodly transformation 55 of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull—the primitive statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother’s leg—to what form but that he is should wit larded with malice and malice forced with 60 wit turn him to? To an ass were nothing; he is both ass and ox. To an ox were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus! I 65 would conspire against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites, for I care not to be the louse of a lazar so I were not Menelaus.	THERSITES With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain as earwax. And the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull—the primitive statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother’s leg—to what form but that he is should wit larded with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to? To an ass were nothing; he is both ass and ox. To an ox were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus! I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites, for I care not to be the louse of a lazar so I were not Menelaus.
Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR , MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights.	Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR , MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights.
Heyday! Sprites and fires!	Heyday! Sprites and fires!
AGAMEMNON We go wrong, we go wrong.	AGAMEMNON We go wrong, we go wrong.
AJAX 70 No, yonder—’tis there, where we see the lights.	AJAX No, yonder—’tis there, where we see the lights.
HECTOR I trouble you.	HECTOR I trouble you.
AJAX No, not a whit.	AJAX No, not a whit.
Enter ACHILLES.	Enter ACHILLES.
ULYSSES , to HECTOR Here comes himself to guide you.	ULYSSES , to HECTOR Here comes himself to guide you.
ACHILLES Welcome, brave Hector. Welcome, princes all.	ACHILLES Welcome, brave Hector. Welcome, princes all.
AGAMEMNON , to HECTOR 75 So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.	AGAMEMNON , to HECTOR So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
HECTOR Thanks, and good night to the Greeks’ general.	HECTOR Thanks, and good night to the Greeks’ general.
MENELAUS Good night, my lord.	MENELAUS Good night, my lord.
HECTOR Good night, sweet lord 80 Menelaus.	HECTOR Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
THERSITES , aside Sweet draught. “Sweet,” quoth he? Sweet sink, sweet sewer.	THERSITES , aside Sweet draught. “Sweet,” quoth he? Sweet sink, sweet sewer.
ACHILLES Good night and welcome, both at once, to those That go or tarry.	ACHILLES Good night and welcome, both at once, to those That go or tarry.
AGAMEMNON 85 Good night.	AGAMEMNON Good night.
AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS exit.	AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS exit.
ACHILLES Old Nestor tarries, and you too, Diomed. Keep Hector company an hour or two.	ACHILLES Old Nestor tarries, and you too, Diomed. Keep Hector company an hour or two.
DIOMEDES I cannot, lord. I have important business, The tide whereof is now.—Good night, great Hector.	DIOMEDES I cannot, lord. I have important business, The tide whereof is now.—Good night, great Hector.
HECTOR 90 Give me your hand.	HECTOR Give me your hand.
ULYSSES , aside to TROILUS Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent. I’ll keep you company.	ULYSSES , aside to TROILUS Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent. I’ll keep you company.
TROILUS Sweet sir, you honor me.	TROILUS Sweet sir, you honor me.
HECTOR And so, good night.	HECTOR And so, good night.
DIOMEDES exits, followed by TROILUS and ULYSSES.	DIOMEDES exits, followed by TROILUS and ULYSSES.
ACHILLES 95 Come, come, enter my tent.	ACHILLES Come, come, enter my tent.
ACHILLES, AJAX, NESTOR, and HECTOR exit.	ACHILLES, AJAX, NESTOR, and HECTOR exit.
THERSITES That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave. I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise like Brabbler 100 the hound, but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change. The sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a 105 Trojan drab and uses the traitor Calchas his tent. I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets!	THERSITES That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave. I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise like Brabbler the hound, but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change. The sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a Trojan drab and uses the traitor Calchas his tent. I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets!
He exits.	He exits.