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Enter AJAX and THERSITES.
Enter AJAX and THERSITES.
AJAX  
Thersites!
AJAX  
Thersites!
THERSITES  
Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all
over, generally?
THERSITES  
Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all
over, generally?
AJAX  
Thersites!
AJAX  
Thersites!
THERSITES  
5
And those boils did run? Say so. Did not the
general run, then? Were not that a botchy core?
THERSITES  
And those boils did run? Say so. Did not the
general run, then? Were not that a botchy core?
AJAX  
Dog!
AJAX  
Dog!
THERSITES  
Then there would come some matter
from him. I see none now.
THERSITES  
Then there would come some matter
from him. I see none now.
AJAX  
10
Thou bitchwolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel,
then.
AJAX  
Thou bitchwolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel,
then.
Strikes him.
Strikes him.
THERSITES  
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou
mongrel beef-witted lord!
THERSITES  
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou
mongrel beef-witted lord!
AJAX  
Speak, then, thou unsalted leaven, speak. I will
15
beat thee into handsomeness.
AJAX  
Speak, then, thou unsalted leaven, speak. I will
beat thee into handsomeness.
THERSITES  
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness,
but I think thy horse will sooner con an oration
than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst
strike, canst thou? A red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks.
20
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest
me thus?
THERSITES  
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness,
but I think thy horse will sooner con an oration
than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst
strike, canst thou? A red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks.
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest
me thus?
AJAX  
The proclamation!
AJAX  
The proclamation!
THERSITES  
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
THERSITES  
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
AJAX  
25
Do not, porpentine, do not. My fingers itch.
AJAX  
Do not, porpentine, do not. My fingers itch.
THERSITES  
I would thou didst itch from head to foot,
and I had the scratching of thee; I would make
thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou
art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as
30
another.
THERSITES  
I would thou didst itch from head to foot,
and I had the scratching of thee; I would make
thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou
art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as
another.
AJAX  
I say, the proclamation!
AJAX  
I say, the proclamation!
THERSITES  
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on
Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness
as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that
35
thou bark’st at him.
THERSITES  
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on
Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness
as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that
thou bark’st at him.
AJAX  
Mistress Thersites!
AJAX  
Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES  
Thou shouldst strike him—
THERSITES  
Thou shouldst strike him—
AJAX  
Cobloaf!
AJAX  
Cobloaf!
THERSITES  
He would pound thee into shivers with his
40
fist as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
THERSITES  
He would pound thee into shivers with his
fist as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX  
You whoreson cur!
AJAX  
You whoreson cur!
Strikes him.
Strikes him.
THERSITES  
Do, do.
THERSITES  
Do, do.
AJAX  
Thou stool for a witch!
AJAX  
Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES  
Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted lord. Thou
45
hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an
asinego may tutor thee, thou scurvy-valiant ass.
Thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and thou art
bought and sold among those of any wit, like a
barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin
50
at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou
thing of no bowels, thou.
THERSITES  
Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted lord. Thou
hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an
asinego may tutor thee, thou scurvy-valiant ass.
Thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and thou art
bought and sold among those of any wit, like a
barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin
at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou
thing of no bowels, thou.
AJAX  
You dog!
AJAX  
You dog!
THERSITES  
You scurvy lord!
THERSITES  
You scurvy lord!
AJAX  
You cur!
AJAX  
You cur!
Strikes him.
Strikes him.
THERSITES  
55
Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel, do,
do.
THERSITES  
Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel, do,
do.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
ACHILLES  
Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore do you
thus?—How now, Thersites? What’s the matter,
man?
ACHILLES  
Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore do you
thus?—How now, Thersites? What’s the matter,
man?
THERSITES  
60
You see him there, do you?
THERSITES  
You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES  
Ay, what’s the matter?
ACHILLES  
Ay, what’s the matter?
THERSITES  
Nay, look upon him.
THERSITES  
Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES  
So I do. What’s the matter?
ACHILLES  
So I do. What’s the matter?
THERSITES  
Nay, but regard him well.
THERSITES  
Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES  
65
Well, why, so I do.
ACHILLES  
Well, why, so I do.
THERSITES  
But yet you look not well upon him, for
whosomever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
THERSITES  
But yet you look not well upon him, for
whosomever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES  
I know that, fool.
ACHILLES  
I know that, fool.
THERSITES  
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
THERSITES  
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX  
70
Therefore I beat thee.
AJAX  
Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES  
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters!
His evasions have ears thus long. I have
bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones.
I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia
75
mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow.
This lord, Achilles—Ajax, who wears his wit in his
belly, and his guts in his head— I’ll tell you what I
say of him.
THERSITES  
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters!
His evasions have ears thus long. I have
bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones.
I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia
mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow.
This lord, Achilles—Ajax, who wears his wit in his
belly, and his guts in his head— I’ll tell you what I
say of him.
ACHILLES  
What?
ACHILLES  
What?
THERSITES  
80
I say, this Ajax—
THERSITES  
I say, this Ajax—
AJAX menaces him.
AJAX menaces him.
ACHILLES  
Nay, good Ajax.
ACHILLES  
Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES  
Has not so much wit—
THERSITES  
Has not so much wit—
ACHILLES , to AJAX
Nay, I must hold you.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES  
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for
85
whom he comes to fight.
THERSITES  
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for
whom he comes to fight.
ACHILLES  
Peace, fool!
ACHILLES  
Peace, fool!
THERSITES  
I would have peace and quietness, but the
fool will not—he there, that he. Look you there.
THERSITES  
I would have peace and quietness, but the
fool will not—he there, that he. Look you there.
AJAX  
O, thou damned cur, I shall—
AJAX  
O, thou damned cur, I shall—
ACHILLES  
90
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
ACHILLES  
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
THERSITES  
No, I warrant you. The fool’s will shame it.
THERSITES  
No, I warrant you. The fool’s will shame it.
PATROCLUS  
Good words, Thersites.
PATROCLUS  
Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
What’s the quarrel?
ACHILLES , to AJAX
What’s the quarrel?
AJAX  
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
95
proclamation, and he rails upon me.
AJAX  
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES  
I serve thee not.
THERSITES  
I serve thee not.
AJAX  
Well, go to, go to.
AJAX  
Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES  
I serve here voluntary.
THERSITES  
I serve here voluntary.
ACHILLES  
Your last service was suff’rance; ’twas not
100
voluntary. No man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was
here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
ACHILLES  
Your last service was suff’rance; ’twas not
voluntary. No man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was
here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES  
E’en so. A great deal of your wit, too, lies in
your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall
have a great catch an he knock out either of
105
your brains; he were as good crack a fusty nut with
no kernel.
THERSITES  
E’en so. A great deal of your wit, too, lies in
your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall
have a great catch an he knock out either of
your brains; he were as good crack a fusty nut with
no kernel.
ACHILLES  
What, with me too, Thersites?
ACHILLES  
What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES  
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor—whose wit
was moldy ere your grandsires had nails on
110
their toes —yoke you like draft-oxen and make
you plow up the wars.
THERSITES  
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor—whose wit
was moldy ere your grandsires had nails on
their toes —yoke you like draft-oxen and make
you plow up the wars.
ACHILLES  
What? What?
ACHILLES  
What? What?
THERSITES  
Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To—
THERSITES  
Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To—
AJAX  
I shall cut out your tongue.
AJAX  
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES  
115
’Tis no matter. I shall speak as much as
thou afterwards.
THERSITES  
’Tis no matter. I shall speak as much as
thou afterwards.
PATROCLUS  
No more words, Thersites. Peace.
PATROCLUS  
No more words, Thersites. Peace.
THERSITES  
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach
bids me, shall I?
THERSITES  
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach
bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES  
120
There’s for you, Patroclus.
ACHILLES  
There’s for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES  
I will see you hanged like clodpolls ere I
come any more to your tents. I will keep where
there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
THERSITES  
I will see you hanged like clodpolls ere I
come any more to your tents. I will keep where
there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
He exits.
He exits.
PATROCLUS  
A good riddance.
PATROCLUS  
A good riddance.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
125
Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
130
Maintain—I know not what; ’tis trash. Farewell.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
Maintain—I know not what; ’tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX  
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
AJAX  
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES
I know not. ’Tis put to lott’ry. Otherwise,
He knew his man.
ACHILLES
I know not. ’Tis put to lott’ry. Otherwise,
He knew his man.
ACHILLES and PATROCLUS exit.
ACHILLES and PATROCLUS exit.
AJAX  
O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
AJAX  
O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
He exits .
He exits .

Original Text

Modern Text
Enter AJAX and THERSITES.
Enter AJAX and THERSITES.
AJAX  
Thersites!
AJAX  
Thersites!
THERSITES  
Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all
over, generally?
THERSITES  
Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all
over, generally?
AJAX  
Thersites!
AJAX  
Thersites!
THERSITES  
5
And those boils did run? Say so. Did not the
general run, then? Were not that a botchy core?
THERSITES  
And those boils did run? Say so. Did not the
general run, then? Were not that a botchy core?
AJAX  
Dog!
AJAX  
Dog!
THERSITES  
Then there would come some matter
from him. I see none now.
THERSITES  
Then there would come some matter
from him. I see none now.
AJAX  
10
Thou bitchwolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel,
then.
AJAX  
Thou bitchwolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel,
then.
Strikes him.
Strikes him.
THERSITES  
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou
mongrel beef-witted lord!
THERSITES  
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou
mongrel beef-witted lord!
AJAX  
Speak, then, thou unsalted leaven, speak. I will
15
beat thee into handsomeness.
AJAX  
Speak, then, thou unsalted leaven, speak. I will
beat thee into handsomeness.
THERSITES  
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness,
but I think thy horse will sooner con an oration
than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst
strike, canst thou? A red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks.
20
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest
me thus?
THERSITES  
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness,
but I think thy horse will sooner con an oration
than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst
strike, canst thou? A red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks.
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest
me thus?
AJAX  
The proclamation!
AJAX  
The proclamation!
THERSITES  
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
THERSITES  
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
AJAX  
25
Do not, porpentine, do not. My fingers itch.
AJAX  
Do not, porpentine, do not. My fingers itch.
THERSITES  
I would thou didst itch from head to foot,
and I had the scratching of thee; I would make
thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou
art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as
30
another.
THERSITES  
I would thou didst itch from head to foot,
and I had the scratching of thee; I would make
thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou
art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as
another.
AJAX  
I say, the proclamation!
AJAX  
I say, the proclamation!
THERSITES  
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on
Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness
as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that
35
thou bark’st at him.
THERSITES  
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on
Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness
as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that
thou bark’st at him.
AJAX  
Mistress Thersites!
AJAX  
Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES  
Thou shouldst strike him—
THERSITES  
Thou shouldst strike him—
AJAX  
Cobloaf!
AJAX  
Cobloaf!
THERSITES  
He would pound thee into shivers with his
40
fist as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
THERSITES  
He would pound thee into shivers with his
fist as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX  
You whoreson cur!
AJAX  
You whoreson cur!
Strikes him.
Strikes him.
THERSITES  
Do, do.
THERSITES  
Do, do.
AJAX  
Thou stool for a witch!
AJAX  
Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES  
Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted lord. Thou
45
hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an
asinego may tutor thee, thou scurvy-valiant ass.
Thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and thou art
bought and sold among those of any wit, like a
barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin
50
at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou
thing of no bowels, thou.
THERSITES  
Ay, do, do, thou sodden-witted lord. Thou
hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an
asinego may tutor thee, thou scurvy-valiant ass.
Thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and thou art
bought and sold among those of any wit, like a
barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin
at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou
thing of no bowels, thou.
AJAX  
You dog!
AJAX  
You dog!
THERSITES  
You scurvy lord!
THERSITES  
You scurvy lord!
AJAX  
You cur!
AJAX  
You cur!
Strikes him.
Strikes him.
THERSITES  
55
Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel, do,
do.
THERSITES  
Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel, do,
do.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
ACHILLES  
Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore do you
thus?—How now, Thersites? What’s the matter,
man?
ACHILLES  
Why, how now, Ajax? Wherefore do you
thus?—How now, Thersites? What’s the matter,
man?
THERSITES  
60
You see him there, do you?
THERSITES  
You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES  
Ay, what’s the matter?
ACHILLES  
Ay, what’s the matter?
THERSITES  
Nay, look upon him.
THERSITES  
Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES  
So I do. What’s the matter?
ACHILLES  
So I do. What’s the matter?
THERSITES  
Nay, but regard him well.
THERSITES  
Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES  
65
Well, why, so I do.
ACHILLES  
Well, why, so I do.
THERSITES  
But yet you look not well upon him, for
whosomever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
THERSITES  
But yet you look not well upon him, for
whosomever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES  
I know that, fool.
ACHILLES  
I know that, fool.
THERSITES  
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
THERSITES  
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX  
70
Therefore I beat thee.
AJAX  
Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES  
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters!
His evasions have ears thus long. I have
bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones.
I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia
75
mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow.
This lord, Achilles—Ajax, who wears his wit in his
belly, and his guts in his head— I’ll tell you what I
say of him.
THERSITES  
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters!
His evasions have ears thus long. I have
bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones.
I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia
mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow.
This lord, Achilles—Ajax, who wears his wit in his
belly, and his guts in his head— I’ll tell you what I
say of him.
ACHILLES  
What?
ACHILLES  
What?
THERSITES  
80
I say, this Ajax—
THERSITES  
I say, this Ajax—
AJAX menaces him.
AJAX menaces him.
ACHILLES  
Nay, good Ajax.
ACHILLES  
Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES  
Has not so much wit—
THERSITES  
Has not so much wit—
ACHILLES , to AJAX
Nay, I must hold you.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES  
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for
85
whom he comes to fight.
THERSITES  
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for
whom he comes to fight.
ACHILLES  
Peace, fool!
ACHILLES  
Peace, fool!
THERSITES  
I would have peace and quietness, but the
fool will not—he there, that he. Look you there.
THERSITES  
I would have peace and quietness, but the
fool will not—he there, that he. Look you there.
AJAX  
O, thou damned cur, I shall—
AJAX  
O, thou damned cur, I shall—
ACHILLES  
90
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
ACHILLES  
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
THERSITES  
No, I warrant you. The fool’s will shame it.
THERSITES  
No, I warrant you. The fool’s will shame it.
PATROCLUS  
Good words, Thersites.
PATROCLUS  
Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
What’s the quarrel?
ACHILLES , to AJAX
What’s the quarrel?
AJAX  
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
95
proclamation, and he rails upon me.
AJAX  
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES  
I serve thee not.
THERSITES  
I serve thee not.
AJAX  
Well, go to, go to.
AJAX  
Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES  
I serve here voluntary.
THERSITES  
I serve here voluntary.
ACHILLES  
Your last service was suff’rance; ’twas not
100
voluntary. No man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was
here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
ACHILLES  
Your last service was suff’rance; ’twas not
voluntary. No man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was
here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES  
E’en so. A great deal of your wit, too, lies in
your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall
have a great catch an he knock out either of
105
your brains; he were as good crack a fusty nut with
no kernel.
THERSITES  
E’en so. A great deal of your wit, too, lies in
your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall
have a great catch an he knock out either of
your brains; he were as good crack a fusty nut with
no kernel.
ACHILLES  
What, with me too, Thersites?
ACHILLES  
What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES  
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor—whose wit
was moldy ere your grandsires had nails on
110
their toes —yoke you like draft-oxen and make
you plow up the wars.
THERSITES  
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor—whose wit
was moldy ere your grandsires had nails on
their toes —yoke you like draft-oxen and make
you plow up the wars.
ACHILLES  
What? What?
ACHILLES  
What? What?
THERSITES  
Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To—
THERSITES  
Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To—
AJAX  
I shall cut out your tongue.
AJAX  
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES  
115
’Tis no matter. I shall speak as much as
thou afterwards.
THERSITES  
’Tis no matter. I shall speak as much as
thou afterwards.
PATROCLUS  
No more words, Thersites. Peace.
PATROCLUS  
No more words, Thersites. Peace.
THERSITES  
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach
bids me, shall I?
THERSITES  
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach
bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES  
120
There’s for you, Patroclus.
ACHILLES  
There’s for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES  
I will see you hanged like clodpolls ere I
come any more to your tents. I will keep where
there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
THERSITES  
I will see you hanged like clodpolls ere I
come any more to your tents. I will keep where
there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
He exits.
He exits.
PATROCLUS  
A good riddance.
PATROCLUS  
A good riddance.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
125
Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
130
Maintain—I know not what; ’tis trash. Farewell.
ACHILLES , to AJAX
Marry, this, sir, is proclaimed through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
Maintain—I know not what; ’tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX  
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
AJAX  
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES
I know not. ’Tis put to lott’ry. Otherwise,
He knew his man.
ACHILLES
I know not. ’Tis put to lott’ry. Otherwise,
He knew his man.
ACHILLES and PATROCLUS exit.
ACHILLES and PATROCLUS exit.
AJAX  
O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
AJAX  
O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
He exits .
He exits .
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