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Enter Sir John FALSTAFF , with his PAGE bearing his sword and buckler
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Enter Sir John FALSTAFF , with his PAGE bearing his sword and buckler
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FALSTAFF Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
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FALSTAFF Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
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PAGE He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but,
for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than
he knew for.
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PAGE He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but,
for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than
he knew for.
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FALSTAFF 5 Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this
foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent
anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is
invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath
10 overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put
thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off,
why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake,
thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.
I was never manned with an agate till now, but I will inset
15 you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send
you back again to your master for a jewel. The juvenal, the
Prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge—I will
sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he
shall get one off his cheek, and yet he will not stick to say
20 his face is a face royal. God may finish it when He will. 'Tis
not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still at a face royal, for
a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet he’ll be
crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was
a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of
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FALSTAFF Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this
foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent
anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is
invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath
overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put
thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off,
why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake,
thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.
I was never manned with an agate till now, but I will inset
you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send
you back again to your master for a jewel. The juvenal, the
Prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge—I will
sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he
shall get one off his cheek, and yet he will not stick to say
his face is a face royal. God may finish it when He will. 'Tis
not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still at a face royal, for
a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet he’ll be
crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was
a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of
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25 mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton about
the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
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mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton about
the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
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PAGE He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than
Bardolph. He would not take his band and yours. He liked
not the security.
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PAGE He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than
Bardolph. He would not take his band and yours. He liked
not the security.
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FALSTAFF 30 Let him be damned like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be
hotter! A whoreson Achitophel, a rascally yea-forsooth
knave, to bear a gentleman in hand and then stand upon
security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear
nothing but high shoes and bunches of keys at their girdles;
35 and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then
they must stand upon security. I had as lief they would put
ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with “security.” I
looked he should have sent me two-and-twenty yards of
satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me “security.” Well,
40 he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of abundance,
and the lightness of his wife shines through it, and yet cannot
he see though he have his own lantern to light him.
Where’s
Bardolph?
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FALSTAFF Let him be damned like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be
hotter! A whoreson Achitophel, a rascally yea-forsooth
knave, to bear a gentleman in hand and then stand upon
security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear
nothing but high shoes and bunches of keys at their girdles;
and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then
they must stand upon security. I had as lief they would put
ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with “security.” I
looked he should have sent me two-and-twenty yards of
satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me “security.” Well,
he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of abundance,
and the lightness of his wife shines through it, and yet cannot
he see though he have his own lantern to light him.
Where’s
Bardolph?
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PAGE 45 He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your Worship a horse.
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PAGE He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your Worship a horse.
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FALSTAFF I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in
Smithfield. An I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were
manned, horsed, and wived.
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FALSTAFF I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in
Smithfield. An I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were
manned, horsed, and wived.
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Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
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Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
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PAGE Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking
50 him about Bardolph.
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PAGE Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking
him about Bardolph.
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FALSTAFF Wait close. I will not see him.
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FALSTAFF Wait close. I will not see him.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What’s he that goes there?
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CHIEF JUSTICE What’s he that goes there?
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SERVANT Falstaff, an ’t please your Lordship.
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SERVANT Falstaff, an ’t please your Lordship.
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CHIEF JUSTICE He that was in question for the robbery?
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CHIEF JUSTICE He that was in question for the robbery?
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SERVANT 55 He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at
Shrewsbury, and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
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SERVANT He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at
Shrewsbury, and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What, to York? Call him back again.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What, to York? Call him back again.
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SERVANT Sir John Falstaff!
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SERVANT Sir John Falstaff!
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FALSTAFF Boy, tell him I am deaf.
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FALSTAFF Boy, tell him I am deaf.
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PAGE 60 You must speak louder. My master is deaf.
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PAGE You must speak louder. My master is deaf.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.—Go pluck
him by the elbow. I must speak with him.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.—Go pluck
him by the elbow. I must speak with him.
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SERVANT Sir John!
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SERVANT Sir John!
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FALSTAFF What, a young knave and begging? Is there not wars? Is
65 there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do
not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on
any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
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FALSTAFF What, a young knave and begging? Is there not wars? Is
there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do
not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on
any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
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worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell
how to make it.
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worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell
how to make it.
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SERVANT 70 You mistake me, sir.
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SERVANT You mistake me, sir.
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FALSTAFF Why sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my
knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
if I had said so.
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FALSTAFF Why sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my
knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
if I had said so.
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SERVANT I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and our soldiership
75 aside, and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat if
you say I am any other than an honest man.
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SERVANT I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and our soldiership
aside, and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat if
you say I am any other than an honest man.
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FALSTAFF I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which grows
to me? If thou gett’st any leave of me, hang me; if thou tak’st
leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter. Hence!
80 Avaunt!
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FALSTAFF I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which grows
to me? If thou gett’st any leave of me, hang me; if thou tak’st
leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter. Hence!
Avaunt!
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SERVANT Sir, my lord would speak with you.
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SERVANT Sir, my lord would speak with you.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
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FALSTAFF My good lord. God give your Lordship good time of the day.
I am glad to see your Lordship abroad. I heard say your
85 Lordship was sick: I hope your Lordship goes abroad by
advice. Your Lordship, though not clean past your youth,
have yet some smack of an ague in you, some relish of the
saltness of time in you, and I most humbly beseech your
Lordship to have a reverent care of your health.
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FALSTAFF My good lord. God give your Lordship good time of the day.
I am glad to see your Lordship abroad. I heard say your
Lordship was sick: I hope your Lordship goes abroad by
advice. Your Lordship, though not clean past your youth,
have yet some smack of an ague in you, some relish of the
saltness of time in you, and I most humbly beseech your
Lordship to have a reverent care of your health.
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CHIEF JUSTICE 90 Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to
Shrewsbury.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to
Shrewsbury.
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FALSTAFF An ’t please your Lordship, I hear his Majesty is returned
with some discomfort from Wales.
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FALSTAFF An ’t please your Lordship, I hear his Majesty is returned
with some discomfort from Wales.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent
95 for you.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent
for you.
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FALSTAFF And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fallen into this same
whoreson apoplexy.
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FALSTAFF And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fallen into this same
whoreson apoplexy.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God mend him. I pray you let me speak with you.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God mend him. I pray you let me speak with you.
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FALSTAFF This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, an ’t please
100 your Lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson
tingling.
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FALSTAFF This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, an ’t please
your Lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson
tingling.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
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FALSTAFF It hath its original from much grief, from study, and
perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his effects
105 in Galen. It is a kind of deafness.
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FALSTAFF It hath its original from much grief, from study, and
perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his effects
in Galen. It is a kind of deafness.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not what
I say to you.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not what
I say to you.
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FALSTAFF Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, an ’t please you, it is
the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that
110 I am troubled withal.
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FALSTAFF Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, an ’t please you, it is
the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that
I am troubled withal.
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CHIEF JUSTICE To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of
your ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.
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CHIEF JUSTICE To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of
your ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.
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FALSTAFF I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your
Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
115 respect of poverty, but how should I be your patient to follow
your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a
scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
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FALSTAFF I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your
Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
respect of poverty, but how should I be your patient to follow
your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a
scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your
life, to come speak with me.
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CHIEF JUSTICE I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your
life, to come speak with me.
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FALSTAFF 120 As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of
this land-service, I did not come.
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FALSTAFF As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of
this land-service, I did not come.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
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FALSTAFF He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.
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FALSTAFF He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
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FALSTAFF 125 I would it were otherwise. I would my means were greater
and my waist slender.
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FALSTAFF I would it were otherwise. I would my means were greater
and my waist slender.
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CHIEF JUSTICE You have misled the youthful Prince.
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CHIEF JUSTICE You have misled the youthful Prince.
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FALSTAFF The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the
great belly, and he my dog.
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FALSTAFF The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the
great belly, and he my dog.
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CHIEF JUSTICE 130 Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s
service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
exploit on
Gad’s HillThe robbery at Gad’s Hill occurs in Henry IV, Part One. your quiet o'erposting that action.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s
service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
exploit on
Gad’s HillThe robbery at Gad’s Hill occurs in Henry IV, Part One. your quiet o'erposting that action.
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FALSTAFF My lord.
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FALSTAFF My lord.
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CHIEF JUSTICE 135 But since all is well, keep it so. Wake not a sleeping wolf.
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CHIEF JUSTICE But since all is well, keep it so. Wake not a sleeping wolf.
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FALSTAFF To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.
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FALSTAFF To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
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CHIEF JUSTICE What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
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FALSTAFF A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my
growth would approve the truth.
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FALSTAFF A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my
growth would approve the truth.
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CHIEF JUSTICE 140 There is not a white hair on your face but should have his
effect of gravity.
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CHIEF JUSTICE There is not a white hair on your face but should have his
effect of gravity.
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FALSTAFF His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
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FALSTAFF His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
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CHIEF JUSTICE You follow the young Prince up and down like his ill angel.
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CHIEF JUSTICE You follow the young Prince up and down like his ill angel.
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FALSTAFF Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that
145 looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in
some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of
so little regard in these costermongers' times that true valor
is turned bear-herd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his
quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts
150 appurtenant to man, as the malice of this age shapes them,
are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the
capacities of us that are young. You do measure the heat of
our livers with the bitterness of your galls, and we that are in
the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.
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FALSTAFF Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that
looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in
some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of
so little regard in these costermongers' times that true valor
is turned bear-herd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his
quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts
appurtenant to man, as the malice of this age shapes them,
are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the
capacities of us that are young. You do measure the heat of
our livers with the bitterness of your galls, and we that are in
the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.
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CHIEF JUSTICE 155 Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are
written down old with all the characters of age? Have you
not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard,
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CHIEF JUSTICE Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are
written down old with all the characters of age? Have you
not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard,
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a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single,
160 and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will
you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John.
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a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single,
and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will
you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John.
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FALSTAFF My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon,
with a white head and something a round belly. For my
voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To
165 approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only
old in judgment and understanding. And he that will caper
with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money,
and have at him! For the box of the ear that the Prince gave
you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a
170 sensible lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion
repents. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
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FALSTAFF My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon,
with a white head and something a round belly. For my
voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To
approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only
old in judgment and understanding. And he that will caper
with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money,
and have at him! For the box of the ear that the Prince gave
you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a
sensible lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion
repents. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God send the Prince a better companion.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God send the Prince a better companion.
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FALSTAFF God send the companion a better prince. I cannot rid my
hands of him.
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FALSTAFF God send the companion a better prince. I cannot rid my
hands of him.
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CHIEF JUSTICE 175 Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you
are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the
Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you
are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the
Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
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FALSTAFF Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray,
all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our armies join
180 not in a hot day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with
me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day
and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I might never
spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep
out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever.
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FALSTAFF Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray,
all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our armies join
not in a hot day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with
me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day
and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I might never
spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep
out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever.
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185 But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they
have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs
say I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God
my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were
better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to
190 nothing with perpetual motion.
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But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they
have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs
say I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God
my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were
better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to
nothing with perpetual motion.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!
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CHIEF JUSTICE Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!
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FALSTAFF Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
forth?
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FALSTAFF Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
forth?
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CHIEF JUSTICE Not a penny, not a penny. You are too impatient to bear
195 crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin
Westmoreland.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Not a penny, not a penny. You are too impatient to bear
crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin
Westmoreland.
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Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
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Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
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FALSTAFF If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more
separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs
and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches
200 the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses.—Boy!
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FALSTAFF If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more
separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs
and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches
the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses.—Boy!
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PAGE Sir.
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PAGE Sir.
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FALSTAFF What money is in my purse?
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FALSTAFF What money is in my purse?
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PAGE Seven groats and two pence.
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PAGE Seven groats and two pence.
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FALSTAFF I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse.
205 Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is
incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster, this
to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to
old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry
since I perceived the first white hair on my chin. About it.
210 You know where to find me.
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FALSTAFF I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse.
Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is
incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster, this
to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to
old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry
since I perceived the first white hair on my chin. About it.
You know where to find me.
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Exit PAGE
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Exit PAGE
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A pox of this gout! Or, a gout of this pox, for the one or the
other plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis no matter if I
do halt. I have the wars for my color, and my pension shall
seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
215 anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.
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A pox of this gout! Or, a gout of this pox, for the one or the
other plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis no matter if I
do halt. I have the wars for my color, and my pension shall
seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.
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Exit
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Exit
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Original Text |
Modern Text |
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Enter Sir John FALSTAFF , with his PAGE bearing his sword and buckler
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Enter Sir John FALSTAFF , with his PAGE bearing his sword and buckler
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FALSTAFF Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
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FALSTAFF Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
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PAGE He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but,
for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than
he knew for.
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PAGE He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but,
for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than
he knew for.
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FALSTAFF 5 Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this
foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent
anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is
invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath
10 overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put
thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off,
why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake,
thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.
I was never manned with an agate till now, but I will inset
15 you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send
you back again to your master for a jewel. The juvenal, the
Prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge—I will
sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he
shall get one off his cheek, and yet he will not stick to say
20 his face is a face royal. God may finish it when He will. 'Tis
not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still at a face royal, for
a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet he’ll be
crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was
a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of
|
FALSTAFF Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this
foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent
anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is
invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath
overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put
thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off,
why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake,
thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.
I was never manned with an agate till now, but I will inset
you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send
you back again to your master for a jewel. The juvenal, the
Prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge—I will
sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he
shall get one off his cheek, and yet he will not stick to say
his face is a face royal. God may finish it when He will. 'Tis
not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still at a face royal, for
a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet he’ll be
crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was
a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of
|
|
25 mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton about
the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
|
mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton about
the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
|
|
PAGE He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than
Bardolph. He would not take his band and yours. He liked
not the security.
|
PAGE He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than
Bardolph. He would not take his band and yours. He liked
not the security.
|
|
FALSTAFF 30 Let him be damned like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be
hotter! A whoreson Achitophel, a rascally yea-forsooth
knave, to bear a gentleman in hand and then stand upon
security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear
nothing but high shoes and bunches of keys at their girdles;
35 and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then
they must stand upon security. I had as lief they would put
ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with “security.” I
looked he should have sent me two-and-twenty yards of
satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me “security.” Well,
40 he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of abundance,
and the lightness of his wife shines through it, and yet cannot
he see though he have his own lantern to light him.
Where’s
Bardolph?
|
FALSTAFF Let him be damned like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be
hotter! A whoreson Achitophel, a rascally yea-forsooth
knave, to bear a gentleman in hand and then stand upon
security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear
nothing but high shoes and bunches of keys at their girdles;
and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then
they must stand upon security. I had as lief they would put
ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with “security.” I
looked he should have sent me two-and-twenty yards of
satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me “security.” Well,
he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of abundance,
and the lightness of his wife shines through it, and yet cannot
he see though he have his own lantern to light him.
Where’s
Bardolph?
|
|
PAGE 45 He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your Worship a horse.
|
PAGE He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your Worship a horse.
|
|
FALSTAFF I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in
Smithfield. An I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were
manned, horsed, and wived.
|
FALSTAFF I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in
Smithfield. An I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were
manned, horsed, and wived.
|
|
Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
|
Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
|
|
PAGE Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking
50 him about Bardolph.
|
PAGE Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking
him about Bardolph.
|
|
FALSTAFF Wait close. I will not see him.
|
FALSTAFF Wait close. I will not see him.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What’s he that goes there?
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What’s he that goes there?
|
|
SERVANT Falstaff, an ’t please your Lordship.
|
SERVANT Falstaff, an ’t please your Lordship.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE He that was in question for the robbery?
|
CHIEF JUSTICE He that was in question for the robbery?
|
|
SERVANT 55 He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at
Shrewsbury, and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
|
SERVANT He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at
Shrewsbury, and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What, to York? Call him back again.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What, to York? Call him back again.
|
|
SERVANT Sir John Falstaff!
|
SERVANT Sir John Falstaff!
|
|
FALSTAFF Boy, tell him I am deaf.
|
FALSTAFF Boy, tell him I am deaf.
|
|
PAGE 60 You must speak louder. My master is deaf.
|
PAGE You must speak louder. My master is deaf.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.—Go pluck
him by the elbow. I must speak with him.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.—Go pluck
him by the elbow. I must speak with him.
|
|
SERVANT Sir John!
|
SERVANT Sir John!
|
|
FALSTAFF What, a young knave and begging? Is there not wars? Is
65 there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do
not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on
any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
|
FALSTAFF What, a young knave and begging? Is there not wars? Is
there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do
not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on
any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
|
|
worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell
how to make it.
|
worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell
how to make it.
|
|
SERVANT 70 You mistake me, sir.
|
SERVANT You mistake me, sir.
|
|
FALSTAFF Why sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my
knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
if I had said so.
|
FALSTAFF Why sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my
knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
if I had said so.
|
|
SERVANT I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and our soldiership
75 aside, and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat if
you say I am any other than an honest man.
|
SERVANT I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and our soldiership
aside, and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat if
you say I am any other than an honest man.
|
|
FALSTAFF I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which grows
to me? If thou gett’st any leave of me, hang me; if thou tak’st
leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter. Hence!
80 Avaunt!
|
FALSTAFF I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which grows
to me? If thou gett’st any leave of me, hang me; if thou tak’st
leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter. Hence!
Avaunt!
|
|
SERVANT Sir, my lord would speak with you.
|
SERVANT Sir, my lord would speak with you.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
|
|
FALSTAFF My good lord. God give your Lordship good time of the day.
I am glad to see your Lordship abroad. I heard say your
85 Lordship was sick: I hope your Lordship goes abroad by
advice. Your Lordship, though not clean past your youth,
have yet some smack of an ague in you, some relish of the
saltness of time in you, and I most humbly beseech your
Lordship to have a reverent care of your health.
|
FALSTAFF My good lord. God give your Lordship good time of the day.
I am glad to see your Lordship abroad. I heard say your
Lordship was sick: I hope your Lordship goes abroad by
advice. Your Lordship, though not clean past your youth,
have yet some smack of an ague in you, some relish of the
saltness of time in you, and I most humbly beseech your
Lordship to have a reverent care of your health.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE 90 Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to
Shrewsbury.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to
Shrewsbury.
|
|
FALSTAFF An ’t please your Lordship, I hear his Majesty is returned
with some discomfort from Wales.
|
FALSTAFF An ’t please your Lordship, I hear his Majesty is returned
with some discomfort from Wales.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent
95 for you.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent
for you.
|
|
FALSTAFF And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fallen into this same
whoreson apoplexy.
|
FALSTAFF And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fallen into this same
whoreson apoplexy.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God mend him. I pray you let me speak with you.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God mend him. I pray you let me speak with you.
|
|
FALSTAFF This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, an ’t please
100 your Lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson
tingling.
|
FALSTAFF This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, an ’t please
your Lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson
tingling.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
|
|
FALSTAFF It hath its original from much grief, from study, and
perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his effects
105 in Galen. It is a kind of deafness.
|
FALSTAFF It hath its original from much grief, from study, and
perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his effects
in Galen. It is a kind of deafness.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not what
I say to you.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not what
I say to you.
|
|
FALSTAFF Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, an ’t please you, it is
the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that
110 I am troubled withal.
|
FALSTAFF Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, an ’t please you, it is
the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that
I am troubled withal.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of
your ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of
your ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.
|
|
FALSTAFF I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your
Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
115 respect of poverty, but how should I be your patient to follow
your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a
scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
|
FALSTAFF I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your
Lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
respect of poverty, but how should I be your patient to follow
your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a
scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your
life, to come speak with me.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your
life, to come speak with me.
|
|
FALSTAFF 120 As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of
this land-service, I did not come.
|
FALSTAFF As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of
this land-service, I did not come.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
|
|
FALSTAFF He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.
|
FALSTAFF He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
|
|
FALSTAFF 125 I would it were otherwise. I would my means were greater
and my waist slender.
|
FALSTAFF I would it were otherwise. I would my means were greater
and my waist slender.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE You have misled the youthful Prince.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE You have misled the youthful Prince.
|
|
FALSTAFF The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the
great belly, and he my dog.
|
FALSTAFF The young Prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the
great belly, and he my dog.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE 130 Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s
service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
exploit on
Gad’s HillThe robbery at Gad’s Hill occurs in Henry IV, Part One. your quiet o'erposting that action.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s
service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
exploit on
Gad’s HillThe robbery at Gad’s Hill occurs in Henry IV, Part One. your quiet o'erposting that action.
|
|
FALSTAFF My lord.
|
FALSTAFF My lord.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE 135 But since all is well, keep it so. Wake not a sleeping wolf.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE But since all is well, keep it so. Wake not a sleeping wolf.
|
|
FALSTAFF To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.
|
FALSTAFF To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
|
|
FALSTAFF A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my
growth would approve the truth.
|
FALSTAFF A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my
growth would approve the truth.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE 140 There is not a white hair on your face but should have his
effect of gravity.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE There is not a white hair on your face but should have his
effect of gravity.
|
|
FALSTAFF His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
|
FALSTAFF His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE You follow the young Prince up and down like his ill angel.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE You follow the young Prince up and down like his ill angel.
|
|
FALSTAFF Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that
145 looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in
some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of
so little regard in these costermongers' times that true valor
is turned bear-herd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his
quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts
150 appurtenant to man, as the malice of this age shapes them,
are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the
capacities of us that are young. You do measure the heat of
our livers with the bitterness of your galls, and we that are in
the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.
|
FALSTAFF Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that
looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in
some respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of
so little regard in these costermongers' times that true valor
is turned bear-herd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his
quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts
appurtenant to man, as the malice of this age shapes them,
are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the
capacities of us that are young. You do measure the heat of
our livers with the bitterness of your galls, and we that are in
the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE 155 Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are
written down old with all the characters of age? Have you
not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard,
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are
written down old with all the characters of age? Have you
not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard,
|
|
a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single,
160 and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will
you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John.
|
a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single,
and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will
you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John.
|
|
FALSTAFF My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon,
with a white head and something a round belly. For my
voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To
165 approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only
old in judgment and understanding. And he that will caper
with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money,
and have at him! For the box of the ear that the Prince gave
you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a
170 sensible lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion
repents. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
|
FALSTAFF My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon,
with a white head and something a round belly. For my
voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To
approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only
old in judgment and understanding. And he that will caper
with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money,
and have at him! For the box of the ear that the Prince gave
you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a
sensible lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion
repents. Marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God send the Prince a better companion.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, God send the Prince a better companion.
|
|
FALSTAFF God send the companion a better prince. I cannot rid my
hands of him.
|
FALSTAFF God send the companion a better prince. I cannot rid my
hands of him.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE 175 Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you
are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the
Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you
are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the
Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
|
|
FALSTAFF Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray,
all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our armies join
180 not in a hot day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with
me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day
and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I might never
spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep
out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever.
|
FALSTAFF Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray,
all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our armies join
not in a hot day, for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with
me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day
and I brandish anything but a bottle, I would I might never
spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep
out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever.
|
|
185 But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they
have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs
say I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God
my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were
better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to
190 nothing with perpetual motion.
|
But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they
have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs
say I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God
my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were
better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to
nothing with perpetual motion.
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!
|
|
FALSTAFF Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
forth?
|
FALSTAFF Will your Lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
forth?
|
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Not a penny, not a penny. You are too impatient to bear
195 crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin
Westmoreland.
|
CHIEF JUSTICE Not a penny, not a penny. You are too impatient to bear
crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my cousin
Westmoreland.
|
|
Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
|
Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SERVANT
|
|
FALSTAFF If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more
separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs
and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches
200 the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses.—Boy!
|
FALSTAFF If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more
separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs
and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches
the other, and so both the degrees prevent my curses.—Boy!
|
|
PAGE Sir.
|
PAGE Sir.
|
|
FALSTAFF What money is in my purse?
|
FALSTAFF What money is in my purse?
|
|
PAGE Seven groats and two pence.
|
PAGE Seven groats and two pence.
|
|
FALSTAFF I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse.
205 Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is
incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster, this
to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to
old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry
since I perceived the first white hair on my chin. About it.
210 You know where to find me.
|
FALSTAFF I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse.
Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is
incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster, this
to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to
old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry
since I perceived the first white hair on my chin. About it.
You know where to find me.
|
|
Exit PAGE
|
Exit PAGE
|
|
A pox of this gout! Or, a gout of this pox, for the one or the
other plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis no matter if I
do halt. I have the wars for my color, and my pension shall
seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
215 anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.
|
A pox of this gout! Or, a gout of this pox, for the one or the
other plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis no matter if I
do halt. I have the wars for my color, and my pension shall
seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.
|
|
Exit
|
Exit
|
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