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O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as you have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees: the first, “the retort courteous”; the second, “the quip modest”; the third, “the reply churlish”; the fourth, “the reproof valiant”; the fifth, “the countercheck quarrelsome”; the sixth, “the lie with circumstance”; the seventh, “the lie direct.” All these you may avoid but the lie direct, and you may avoid that too with an “if.” I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an “if,” as: “If you said so, then I said so.” And they shook hands and swore brothers. Your “if” is the only peacemaker; much virtue in “if.”
(Act 5, scene 4, lines 93–107)
In act 5, scene 4, Touchstone delivers an account of a recent argument he has had. His anatomy of the quarrel, as this speech might be called, is a deftly comic spoof on the contemporary genre of books that taught the code for honorable dueling among the nobility. In Shakespeare’s time, two such books were in common circulation: William Segar’s The Booke of Honour and Armes (1590) and Vincentio Saviolo’s Saviolo His Practice (1594). These books, along with their models from other language traditions, outlined in detail both what constituted grounds for a formal quarrel and what was the appropriate procedure for resolving one. Whether the quarrel stemmed from an accusation of dishonor, libel, slander, or something else, the resolution of the quarrel had a similar function to modern courts of law. That is to say, the outcome of the quarrel was taken to establish the truth of the matter in question. If one man accused another of dishonoring him and proceeded to defeat the “defendant” in hand-to-hand combat, then the defendant was understood as truly having dishonored the “plaintiff.”
Touchstone’s speech focuses on the many ways that a quarrel can escalate, and on how to avoid such escalation. At the end of his speech, he turns his attentions to the powers of the word “if.” The power of the hypothetical “if” allows for slights to be forgiven, wounds to be salved, and promising opportunities to be taken. Much like Rosalind’s own use of hypotheticals, Touchstone’s anticipates the wedding ceremony that will shortly take place and usher in a new stage of life with a sentence that begins with that simple word. Despite the timely appropriateness of the speech, it’s also worth noting that Touchstone’s discourse on “the seven degrees of a quarrel” is a belated response to Jaques’s discourse on “the seven ages of man,” from act 2, scene 7. In contrast to Jaques’s lengthy speech, which injected an unwelcome solemnity into an otherwise joyous moment, Touchstone’s digression inserts a comic moment into an otherwise solemn occasion. Also notably, both speeches serve a minor dramatic function. Just as Jaques’s speech took up the time necessary for Orlando to go fetch his servant Adam, Touchstone’s speech provides the cover Rosalind needs to go transform out of her Ganymede costume and return for the wedding ceremony.
