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“He’d offered me paints and the space and time to practice; he’d shown me pools of starlight; he’d saved my life like some kind of feral knight in a legend, and I’d gulped it down like faerie wine.”
In Chapter 19, Feyre grapples with conflicting feelings over the peace and freedom she feels living in Tamlin’s home in Prythian. Feyre has lived in survival mode for so many years that it is difficult for her to set aside her anxiety and guilt for living a life of contentment and joy. Feyre’s past is a source of trauma that causes her to feel suspicion over Tamlin’s motives. She berates herself for falling so easily into a life of luxury by comparing it to the intoxicating and hallucinogenic effects of faerie wine. Simultaneously, Feyre is also realizing how profound an impact her new life has had on her personal growth. She feels both gratitude toward Tamlin and resentment for his generosity and kindness. There is also pain in her realization that her own family did not fight for her or treat her with the same care that Tamlin shows her. Feyre’s conflicting emotions of abandonment from her family and nurturance from Tamlin create a bittersweet heartache in her. Feyre’s growth at this juncture of the story is a turning point in her ability to love and be loved. Although she is unaware of it, this development is not only a personal one but a driving factor in lifting Amarantha’s curse.
