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Shakespearean Ways to Respond to Unwanted Flirting

There is a certain type of person who finds the words “sorry, I’m not interested” to be extremely confusing. This person will continue to flirt in your general direction, heedless of your disinterest, until you either 1) get up and leave or 2) spontaneously combust. But because the second one sounds painful, and because the first one sounds like a defeat, I’m here to tell you there is a third option: quote Shakespeare. The next time someone’s badgering you with their unsolicited flirting, try saying:

1. “O, speak no more, for I have heard too much.”

2. “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”

3. “I scorn you, scurvy companion.”

4. “Pray you stand further from me.”

5. “I think thou art an ass.”

6. “Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!”

7. “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat!”

8. “Out of my sight! thou dost infect my eyes.”

9. “What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!”

10. “You, minion, are too saucy.”

11. “Thou art a boil, a plague sore.”

12. “Get thee to a nunnery, go.”

13. “Thou art too base to be acknowledged.”

14. “Away! thou’rt a knave.”

15. “Away, you three-inch fool!”

16. “Away, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!”

17. “I do desire we may be better strangers.”

18. “I am sick when I do look on thee.”

19. (draws sword) “Draw, you whoreson cullionly barber-monger, draw!”

20. “I do wish thou wert a dog, that I might love thee something.”

21. “You Banbury cheese!”

22. “You are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave.”

23. “Why, thou silly gentleman!”

24. “Methink’st thou art a general offence.”

25. “Thou art false as hell.”

26. “O you beast! I’ll so maul you and your toasting-iron that you shall think the devil is come from hell.”

27. “Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?”

28. “Do you think I am easier to be play’d on than a pipe?”

29. “What foolish master taught you these manners, John?”

30. “Thou art a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-liver’d, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue…one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mungril bitch.”